Lady Marchmain

Eward Hopper--says it all....

4th of blah

Have suffered a lot of grief lately. Mostly it is for the kids---they have been so badly hurt, in ways that they aren't even aware of. One of them is shaken to the core about his relationship, or ability to maintain one, with his girlfriend whom he loves and who loves him.  All of them have been changed. I don't think this kind of adversity is good for anyone, period.And every day when I wake up  I have to remember why  I am in a hotel room in a new city, by myself....I forget when I dream that I have been divorced.  Then off to my "treatment"  which is supposed to help me deal with  my emotions in such a way as to make them almost  meaningless. I am supposedly getting my own place this month, if Beast cooperates money wise--I haven't felt safe anywhere since I left my house in  Ramsey.

Everyone here is very kind, and pleasant. But, increasingly, I feel like an outsider, like I am observing people go about their business, leading their lives--lives  that aren't always horrible misfortunes. The kids are braver than I am. But I was ripped out of my mileu and I don't see a replacement milieu coming along anytime soon. I am an exile now.

It certainly looks as if  thiss city wil be my new home--first I have to pay a large  hotel  rent for a month--unavoidable, and I get a discount.  The Beast was especially nasty about rearranging some bank deposits--and he did it mainly because he could, and he knew I'd be upset and worry, which I did. But I expect once he's tired of gloating over my misery he will consent.  It is amazing how petty a 57 year old man can  be.Like I said, divorce fights are worse than married ones.

On the up side, I have some sort of support  group,composed of single ladies in one kind of distress or another. I feel very close to all of them now. Emotionally it is about starting from the bottom all over, but sometimes that has to happen before things get better. I just stumble from day to day--if I looked at the big picture  I would roll up into a ball and die!;-)  My son came  withhis girlfriend and another friend and we went to the Phipps Conservatory and to dinner at an Indian  restaurant. I have to say loneliness is the hardest thing--after your family is basically raped,there's so much healing to be done, and no guarantee of anything.  Real Life, I guess.  The kids have been badly hurt by this abomination.  It ain't like they show it in movies and on   tv.

Sorry I haven't been around .  was in big, big iatrogenic depression.  Not much fun to share about

Now tne
Beast wants to start a fight every time we need to  discuss money, which is  tiring and saps one's energy--it's like talking to a perpetually fussty nursery school student. Testing--always testing.  Hey, I'm not the one who destroyed a family. I  just live here, and go about my business. The rest of us are trying to make do with what we have.  And we are doing ok.

Next ,month the apt hunt gets serous. I guess I really am going to live here. Wow. Nice city, though.

More tomorrow--love to you all, who read this.