Lady Marchmain

Consolation

It comes. I find that those sad memories and impossible yearnings  don't even occur to me  most days.All day today as I went about my business, my throat felt better,but  more astonishingly, I felt as if someone was in the house with me--=sitting next to me, or across...it was a warm feeling as isf my daughter  had been there quietly reading. It was so vivid  I almost called her name. I felt so warm and  comforted as if I were wrapped in a big, soft quilt. So peaceful. Soothing and yes, loving  like my grandma's  love used to feel.

Miserable

When I was still living at home, and we were first separated, I used to go through the X's giant boxes of financial records and cancelled checks, looking for his signature and any record that would tell me something about his past life.  It was like finding part of him still at home.

Today when I miss him I look for him on the internet, in all sorts of ways. He knows it of course,and has hidden everything about himself.  On days like that I feel  like an empty vessel, and  just want to throw my head back and howl my grief out to the world. I feel the most overpowering lack  of what is most important to me--the most essential part of my life.

Oh, I'm  not like this every day any more.  But I just found out I probably have to have surgery,including a biopsy. I am not afraid of the biopsy--the worst thinng that could happen to me has already happened. But on this silent, snowy day, alone in this little house, I feel very far away from the rest of my life.

Some American Landscapes

Bierstadt

Kensett

 

Innes

Pale Pink Dawn

Across my street and behind the  huge 26-room house belonging to the Distinguished Author I can see outlines of the hills and the lights of the small city twinkling below--at dawn it is lovely. I always liked dawn because it is a time of day that makes a statement--you can't mistake its meaning. Life is going to go on and that's that!  Nothing to be done but accept its gift gracefully.

Sad snowy day

I think the loneliest place in the world right now is my house with no one but an ex-wife in it.(me).

I keep looking up at the door to see if someone's coming in--and I always forget that no one is. It's like some kind of low-key but annoying hallucination.But it is snowing, that is nice. I am trying to learn how to appreciate things without necessarily sharing them--because that is basically all I did when PB was around. I shared stuff. Things I read, what I was cooking, a view out of the living room window in the spring--they were so much better shared.

It really is as if someone ripped me in two and left me only half of myself.

by Grandma Moses

Very Early Saturday

All alone in the dark...remember that from  B-5?  In this little house on this cold quiet street.  With music playing. I am not used to playing it as loud as I want in the middle of the night. And I sometimes go around for hours subconsciously expecting "someone" to be home soon.   It isn't disturbing, just new.

We will get snow this week and it will be perfect for writing the long personal essay I have promised myself to write. At this point I am at the piling-up-books stage, when I roam all around the house looking for "relevant" books to read so I can get ideas--just a stalling tactic!

Going somewhere for Xmas--so excited. Going to Mo's house in Boston. And I think I might get myself a little fake tree for this place. They come with lights already on! I want a white one--I told the kids that once I live alone I will get a white tree. They stood in silent shock.

 

Thanksgiving was very nice, very serene. Very quiet. No Mr. Hissy-Pants fussing around. I am preparing to write a paper, or article, or both--using one for both purposes is the ideal plan. Monday dentist--I am oozing goodness. I will post more later.